men are pigs.

that's a little harsh, right? wrong. I know cayla already wrote a whole entry berating hipsters, but I was already thinking about this one so it's getting posted.

I'm always trying to think of some way that I could put my english degree to use after I graduate. everyone always tells me I'm going to have to be a teacher or a professor, and that sounded so dull until I thought of the perfect idea. what is one class that every college is missing? you might be thinking a lot of different things, but the correct answer is a class called "how to talk to girls 101" a mandatory class for every male freshman. at most schools, this class is a semester long, with the first half covering "what to say to get kicked in the balls", which would advise young men how NOT to act around women. the second half of the semester would be "what to say to get laid" in which the boys would realize how girls actually want to be interacted with. of course, in more prestigious schools where the boys have a 4896.269 GPA but only a false sense of what they think "social skills" are, this class will be an entire year long, with a semester focusing on each topic. trust me, it's needed.

this idea struck me after having the lucky (yeah right) opportunity to watch boys try to interact/impress girls throughout my first two years of college. it's pathetic. so, obviously, they need a little help.

WHY WOULD YOU EVER THINK ________ WOULD MAKE ME WANT TO HOOK UP WITH YOU

*disclaimer: this list is not about just one boy, but many put together. some are things I've just happened to see, but using "I" to explain them is just easier. 

• spitting: IT'S GROSS. yesterday this boy rode up on his bike (strike one, bicycle rider) and stopped right next to me at the crosswalk. he then proceeded to spit all over the place, which landed centimeters from my shoe.
• ignoring me: I know it's hard for you to think of words to make into sentences that constitute a conversation, but talking to me for 2 weeks straight then not making any contact for the next week and a half doesn't exactly earn you brownie points. it'll give me time to think of all the reasons I hate you so that by the time you actually do contact me again I'll be ready to push you into traffic
• smoking/drinking in excess/doing drugs: I get it, you party. that doesn't mean you have to be in a semi-concious state of drunken haze when I come to see you. chances are if you're smoking, you probably taste like an ash tray, and if you're shooting something up then you obviously have some issues that I don't want to deal with.
• acting WAY overconfident: that's great if you have good self esteem, it means I won't have to constantly remind you you're still good enough to live. but if you're acting like God personally sent you here himself as his own special gift to mankind, it probably means you really have no confidence whatsoever. yes, girls do know this, so it's time to cut the act. we know you're not perfect, IT'S OKAY
• whistling at me while I'm walking down the street: this also includes yelling/ pulling over/ honking/ making a fake pair of binoculars out of styrofoam cups. why would you think that harassing me is going to make me want to jump in your truck?
• talking about your ex: this one seems pretty simple, but guys still can't seem to get it. even if we're just friends, there's still a very high chance that I don't give an eff about your ex-girlfriend.
• making fun of me: so what if I still name my stuffed animals? and, for the love of god, when I say something that I think is cool, "wow, that's so gay" IS NOT the correct answer. there is a very fine line between teasing and making me feel dumb, guys don't seem to know where it is.
• freaking out when I say something personal: obviously I get that you don't want to hear when I'm on my period, but if I say something like "I'm really upset because my pet died" and you short circuit, it's over.
• bragging about hanging out with other people: PLEASE by all means, have other friends, but if you spend an hour telling about some party you went to with really hot girls, it doesn't make me jealous, it makes me angry, which makes you lose your chance. 
• criticizing my driving: I obviously passed the license test. you will get out & walk if you complain one more time.

alright, there's a lot of more things that could go on the list, but I have things to do today. so, obviously if a guy shouldn't do all that stuff, they're probably drawing a blank about what they should do. 

THINGS TO DO SO I WILL WANT TO BE SEEN IN PUBLIC WITH YOU

• have good style: now this isn't true for all girls, but I can't get enough of boys that know how to match and occasionally will wear the same color hat and shoes. wearing sweatpants and some hole-y shirt shows you obviously put a lot of time into yourself...
• shower: boys are smelly, but thankfully by now most have learned how to use a toothbrush and turn on the hot water. some are still looking for a hairbrush.
• argue with me: obviously not about EVERYTHING, but please don't agree with absolutely everything I have to say. like if I say I think stoplights are a bad idea and people should just take a chance and drive into oncoming traffic whenever they feel brave and you agree with me, that was a test and you just failed it.
• say nice things: you don't have to compliment absolutely everything that I do, but if you think I look nice, tell me. I understand that my life isn't a michael buble song, but if I took three hours to do my hair, I'd love it if you said something about it.
• hang out with me: no, I won't think it's creepy if you ask me to get frozen yogurt. I will think 'oh, how nice of him' and most likely go. unless you're actually creepy
• do stupid things: this does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT, mean do anything that would fall into the other list above. this means things like dancing or quoting a line from spongebob or something. don't be afraid to look at little stupid, but also don't embarrass yourself. 

alright boys, read up!

cheers,

lauren