I did it!

I don't know if anyone actually reads this anymore, but I am supposed to be studying for finals right now and I really don't want to do this, and reading my last post so much has changed that I feel I owe some updating. I have been very busy with school and running my other blog on Tumblr that is not sophisticated as this one, but you can look at it if you want.

Anyway, my last post ended with me talking about majoring in film or business but let me tell you I looked at the film majors and they are killer. Like, I don't understand how anyone would ever have the possible human time to do a major like that. Seeing as I am incredibly lazy and unmotivated, I decided that would not be the best role for me. I stayed in a biology major because I'd already made the schedule and I thought it would be cool to work with sea lions one day. During that time though, I decided that if I wasn't going to join a sorority (which by the way, every day I am more and more thankful that I did not actually join a sorority) I would do something else, so I started watching Doctor Who. Everyone was always talking about it on Tumblr so I figured it was worth a watch. My roommate and I pulled up my Amazon Prime account and dove in.

Last night we watched the season finale of season 4, which was the tenth doctor, David Tennant's, last. I bawled like a small child. I didn't want him to leave but it was such a good episode, all his old companions came back and they all saved Earth together. I will say that I don't think Doctor Who is for everyone, it can be cheesy and campy at times, and is occasionally much too British for my tastes, but it has such a good message, showing how even the most ordinary people can become extraordinary and save the world if they really try, how everyone is special no matter what. It reminds you that, while you may not be able to travel all of space and time with the Doctor, there is still a whole wide world out there full of new people and places and experiences to be had.

Tumblr's second favorite show is Sherlock, a modern retelling of Sherlock Holmes set in London (NOT the New York one on CBS that is bad). It stars Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, two lovely British actors whose terrifying fan base may one day soon rival Justin Bieber's. I love Sherlock Holmes, I've read all the books and put a dent in the adventures, I loved the movie with RDJ, but I was a little wary about this version, deterred by the hour and a half per episode length and rabid fandom, but I gave it a shot one night. I was bored at first but if you have the time and dedication, you will love this show. My roommate, Lauren, my other sister, and even my dad were all hooked on this show halfway through one episode. Everyone that ever hated on this show on this show watched it and ended up loving this show even more than I do. I wouldn't really say I learned much from this show, it is, in the end, just Sherlock Holmes, but it certainly did restore my faith in a good story and a good show, things that can seem a bit like a fading art these days.

One night, when I was feeling particularly homesick and I could see my roommate getting a little sick of my muffled sobs, I declared that I "wanted to cry about something other than my life" and bought John Green's best-selling tearjerker The Fault in Our Stars on my kindle and devoured it in about 4 hours. I had read John Green's other books before, so I knew about him, but it wasn't until I finished TFiOS and searched it on Tumblr that I knew he and his brother were internet famous, lourds over a monstrous YouTube following. I won't go into it because you can search VlogBrothers if you really want to know more (or I could link you to a post I wrote about it for my English class) but anyway they have a huge following called "Nerdfighters" and basically they just hang out on Tumblr and talk about books and Doctor Who and other nerd stuff? I don't know, I don't want you to think that I have turned into some sort of weird internet geek who never goes out into the sunlight and weird shit like that because I have not. I don't even know if I would, in fact, call myself a nerdfighter, but I think that the concept is pretty cool and the Green brothers to be very interesting. A friendly reminder that there are adults out there that do care about teenagers and want to help make this time that could be very horrible a whole lot easier.

Being in college it can really seem like there are not a lot of adults that do care about you, which is why I think undergrads have a tendency to cling to TAs and avoid their professors, so when I occasionally run across people on the internet that take their time to create content to help people, especially when they are focused towards students or younger students, I feel a little more thankful and less scared of becoming an adult, because they can totally still hang out with teenagers and like the same thing and help them too.

Anyway, that was a bit of my semester in a nutshell, lots of hanging out with my roommate and remembering why I am best friends with her. There have been plenty of problems and crises and things I wish I had done differently, but there is really nothing I can do to change that, it's done. I move out on Saturday, the book slamming shut on this chapter of my life. A year filled with good shows, great friends, and an empty tissue box filled with little slips of paper that have reasons my roommate and I were upset written on them.
I've got a new apartment and a new major to look forward to (I'm criminal justice now! Hopefully the FBI won't read this blog when I apply!) for next semester, and as usual, I'm pretty much winging it, but I think the best self-discovery happens when you don't really have a plan. I certainly learned a lot about myself this year, more than I really thought I would, which I would always suggest jumping out of your comfort zone every once in a while (even if you run back into it a lot, as long as you make it out!).

I mean this summer is going to be very different, I have a job, I'm getting my driver's license (!), I might start training to run a half-marathon, I might write a book. I'm turning 19, which may not seem like a landmark year, but to me, it's a year that I've always destined for great thing and big adventures (it's also when Rose met the Doctor, so don't tell me I can't do great things). I think the rest of 2013 and 2014 will bring some pretty big changes for me and I think I'm pretty okay with it. I've cried enough this year that I'm pretty okay with it now, it something that happens and then you can move on with your life afterwards. I wish I could have been there at the beginning of the year to tell myself all this, that everything would be fine and to get off Tumblr and get some work done, or start watching Sherlock sooner or to read more books or that my ideas were good and I should write them down, but obviously I can't unless that Tardis shows up right now, so I think I will just take my experiences and tuck them away for when I know I will need them later.

Lauren and I talk about this a lot, college is about a lot more than learning, it teaches you so many life skills and gives you four whole years to get your shit together. As someone that is really a homebody living in the dorms (even if I went home every weekend) was such a huge step and the fact that I made it the whole year is such a victory for me. It seems dumb but I feel like I can do so much more now, like I got to the top of this mountain and the others don't seem so bad now. I'm sure the rest of college is going to be tough and there will be plenty more times I will empty a tissue box, but I know I can handle it now.

I'll leave it up to Lauren to fill you in on the rest of her life if she ever gets the chance (she is in New York visiting her boyfriend right now).

ALSO GUESS WHAT I FRICKEN FINALLY MET ANDREW MCMAHON!!!! NUMBER ONE BUCKET LIST ITEM CROSSED OFF!! like 8 years later.

Anyways, I'll try to update this a bit more, but I did it, I made it through Freshman year of college, a couple pounds lighter (!) and all the more wiser.

Cheers,
Cayla

It's been a while since I last wrote

 But a lot has happened. Do you remember my last post about how I wanted to go on tumblr and watch Criminal Minds for the rest of my life? Do you remember my other post about how I don't like change? And it was all about college too! I'm reminding you of these because right now I actually in college and nothing has ever changed so quickly in my life as everything is right now and I am certainly not sitting on tumblr and watching Criminal Minds all day. I am doing homework and signing up for different classes and trying to find time to eat and trying not to die on my bicycle and trying to make friends and trying to relax all at the same time.

I said that humans don't handle change well, but the truth is that I was mostly just talking about myself. Because change is the very last thing I can "handle." Truth is, I hate it here. I have never been so homesick in my life, even when I called home while I was in Europe and bawled my eyes out in a tiny phone booth in an internet cafe in Munich. Because I walked out, sat down with my friend, knowing that I was going to have an amazing time regardless of how homesick I was and would be home soon. But then now, that's my problem.

I don't know if I'm going to have an amazing time, I don't know if everything is going to be okay and I'm not going to be home in 10 days, technically speaking, I have moved out. I mean, I probably could move home but for God's sake I don't even have a driver's license, how am I supposed to commute? So, I cried and cried and cried, but I wouldn't give up because I knew I could somehow make friends and I would like my classes.

But I didn't. I hated my classes and if it wasn't for all 3 seasons of Arrested Development being free on my Kindle, I would probably be hanging from the rafters right now.

So, I pulled myself up by my boot straps (okay, that is a total lie, Lauren pulled me up by my bootstraps) and I changed my major and my classes. I went from Biochemistry to Biological Sciences with an emphasis in Genetics, Cell, and Developmental Biology. Which is actually very different. And I signed up for sorority rush.

I always thought I would be the very last person to rush a sorority, but I saw how much it helped Lauren, so I decided to just go for it. And I thought I was good. My classes seemed to be going well, they were a lot of work, but I loved biology! Right? And I was so excited for rush.

Rush eventually came up over the 3 day weekend, I went home and got all my clothes together and went the first day with an open mind and a smile. I even skipped my Chem lecture to have time.

And every single sorority I liked dropped me.

On the 3rd day when I was supposed to have 6 sororities to go to, I had 3. My bottom 3. The sororities that don't drop anyone. I don't think I have ever felt so devastated in my life. Social devastation is very different from love or family devastation. Because there was something you could do about it. All those people rejected you for a reason, you weren't right for them, you didn't fit in.

I have always been a little odd in my life and I have always been okay with it. I didn't have a lot of friends in elementary school, and the closest thing I have ever been to popular was 8th grade and I didn't even have that many friends. I have never really been socially rejected because I have never felt the need to put myself out there like that. But, I thought, this is college and I need to make new friends and do exciting things and make life long bonds. I need to join a sorority so I can meet boys and finally have a boyfriend.

So I walked out. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was so humiliated and sad and hurt and I just wanted to go home and see my dog. I thought a lot about what happened since, and trying to think of a reason why I walked out and I've come to a few conclusions. The main one is that maybe I was willing to change who I was and pretend to like parties and chick flicks instead of reading and The Avengers, pretending I liked high heels and dresses instead of t-shirts with funny sayings and shamu slippers. But then, when I didn't see the sororities that I so aspired to be a part of, the smart, pretty, popular girls, I lost all desire to pretend to be something I'm not. Because, I'm not going to wake up at 5 to get ready, and I'm horrible at making friends and maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

I was feeling pretty good about my decision, I went shopping with Lauren instead of going to bid day and I thought everything I was going to be fine. But today, I realized I was wrong. I saw girls left and right wearing shirts of the sororities that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. And I kept sitting there thinking, why them and not me?

I hate comparing myself to other people, but I do it all the time. And I do this thing where I look for all the flaws in people first in order to feel better about myself. But, I couldn't do it today. Because I just kept thinking, they got in and not me. Not me. There was no flaw to look for because the flaw was me. I always think that I have pretty good self esteem but I did not like myself today and I really don't like that. It freaks me out. Sure, I was always introverted, but I liked to think that I was the confident, smart girl who can do whatever she sets her mind to. Wrong. The more I moped about being left out the more I was faced with my classes. They were so much work, so much homework and paying attention and dealing with people who are smarter, more dedicated, and more motivated than I was. And I just am not feeling it anymore. Lauren is moving to LA to be a model and find a job doing what she loves. And my future is sitting in a lab moving samples, if I can manage to pay attention long enough in my Bio lecture.

I don't want to do that. I want to work on movies and travel the world and meet famous people and go to exciting parties. But no one seems to think this is a good idea. I have spent my whole life trying to be smart and get good grades, because I have never been any good at anything else. The very first job I can remember wanting to be is a mom. Then, I wanted to be a geologist. Then I wanted to be an actress. But, the more that I think about it, the more I think, I wasn't wrong in 5th grade. Maybe not an actress, but working on a movie set/ I think movie sets are the most fascinating place in the entire world. I went to Universal Studios and liked the idea, then I went on a behind the scenes tour of Sony Studios and I fell in love with it. It was what I wanted to do. But I was a science and study person, not an arts and ideas person. No one seems to think that I am quite creative enough to do this. Lauren and Madelyn really got all the creative genes, I can't draw, or write. But I've got idea. I have a journal filled with ideas for movies and a dream log filled with wacky story lines that could be movies.

I want to do this so bad, but I am too nervous. Too nervous to fail again and have to limp back with my tail between my legs to a degree in science and a life time of lab work. I have never felt so conflicted in my life. I have never been so unsure. There is a film production degree here and it is so tempting. I don't know what to do with my life. My mom wants me to go into business and work on movies from that end. But I think I just really need to go to sleep.

Sorry this was so depressing

Cheers,
Cayla

if it were up to me

I would spend the rest of my life watching criminal minds and looking at tumblr endlessly. Unfortunately, I'm not currently aware of a job that pertains to those interests that will pay me enough money to support HBO and Cinemax on my monthly cable bill. Which I will most certainly need. So now I have to go to "college" because people only believe that you learned something if you paid for it.
In order to go to college though, I have to finish high school, which I did, about 9ish hours ago.

I'm done. That has not quite set in yet. The fact that it is summer has not even hit me, but maybe that's because I have a graduation meeting at 8:30 in the morning on Monday. Those evil administrators will not just let me sleep. But, I am not particularly one for change. I would be content with a normal, considerably average every day life if it meant I could take awesome vacations whenever I wanted. College is, unfortunately, not going to be one big awesome vacation, because I still have to do all that learning stuff. And my major is currently biochemistry. I want to die. I just want to hang out with movie stars and eventually marry one and then go live in like Switzerland. But my mom won't let me major in film so I can't do that.

I think my problem is that I'm just really lazy. It's going to take a lot to recharge my ambition that high school slowly, but surely, burned completely out. The only thing I can think of now is maybe becoming a super smart scientist so I can meet Bruce Banner or something. Maybe he'll even invite me to be in The Avengers. Although I will not be She-Hulk. Maybe Ms. Marvel. Maybe.

But, I keep thinking of things I need to do for school, or things that I will tell my friends at school. But, I can't, because I'm not going back to high school. And it's weirding me out. I DO NOT WANT TO BE AN ADULT. I am denying this birthday. Who decided that 18 year olds could all of a sudden be able to go out into the world? I feel like 12+ years of school should have prepared me for this. Yet, I don't feel prepared at all!

I'm just grateful that I have this one last summer to get my crap together and ignore the intense pressure that I feel like I should be feeling. If you need me anytime this summer I will be doing absolutely nothing. So, obviously busy.

my summer plans

I think the worst part about growing up is that you don't get summer anymore. I literally cannot think of anything worse. Summer is maybe my favorite thing ever. I just cannot bring myself to become a teacher though. I hate children more than I love summer. Plus there is mad drama up in school faculties, it's like high school except you can't graduate and go to out of state college to get away from the people that work there, it's the same people every year. I will just have to be in school indefinitely, so I always have summer, or find a job that starts after 11 am.
I let you know if they ever invent a job where you can just browse tumblr from 9-5 and then sleep for the rest of it. I will be all over that

Cheers,
Cayla

remember that one time

oh hey blog,

it's been a while. Cayla & I (Lauren) have been a little busy with a few things, like graduating high school & college, respectively. Considering our blog stats says this little guy is still getting some page views, I figured it was time to update it for whatever reason.

So, I graduated college a few weeks ago (a year early, thank you very much) with the ever-so-helpful degree of English Literature. And so began the age-old question: "What do you want to do after you graduate?". My usual response was something along the lines of "I'd love to write, probably for a magazine or newspaper. Something about food or travel." But really, the honest truth that I scream in my head every time someone asks me this question is

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.


Obviously I have to do something, because I need funds and I don't want my brain to turn to dust, but to be completely honest, I'm tired. I've been taking honors classes since I was in third grade, and I just did college in three years, switching from biology to English. Keep in mind, that isn't a complaint, and I realize that just as many people do the exact same thing, if not more. But, unlike most of these super-motivated people, I've lost all my energy and will to do anything productive. I'd really like to just take a week and sleep. I'm not lazy, I just need a second to breathe. Or maybe two seconds, or five.

Unfortunately, I don't have five seconds, or even two. The main reason behind this is that it's now May, which means Arizona has turned into a fiery death pit of inexhaustible heat.

May in Arizona:

May Everywhere Else:

Last summer, I was blessed with the opportunity to escape the 7th Ring of Hell that is Phoenix in the summer and live in Boston. However, this was also a curse because I seemed to have forgotten how incredibly warm this little oven can get. It was 120 degrees when I picked Cayla & Madelyn up from school today. That is 100% too hot to sustain any form of life.

So, as I've been planning since I was 16, I have graduated college and am moving to Los Angeles. How am I doing this? I won the lottery!

 

If you don't get the reference, watch here. If you don't like The Avengers, go away.

Anyways, I obviously didn't win the lottery, so now I spend all my time applying for jobs in LA that I probably won't get because my degree prepared me for nothing! Hooray! Thanks ASU for being the longest, most expensive party I've ever been to. I loved you then, but the real world hates me now.

As for Cayla graduating, she can update everyone on all that fun stuff. She's off to the college Candyland fondly known as Arizona State University in the fall to hopefully (not) follow in my footsteps.

cheers,

lauren

I finally remembered

why i actually wrote that last post. I was going to tell the story of how I went to go see Sherlock Holmes, and then delve into another related story, but I went to lunch while I was writing it and I forgot to add that.
See, I went to see Sherlock Holmes, and then like, the next day my mom was talking about how some high school choir came to her work and she and her friend were "picking out a boy for me."
It seems to be my family's favorite past time to pick out boys for me to date. it is an incredibly irritating, especially because I think it would literally kill them to actually pick someone attractive.
Anyway, my mom said they had a boy picked out who had blonde hair (and was in choir...) and my mom told her friend that I actually like guys with darker hair, like Robert Downey Jr.
Which is awkward.
Mostly because telling your coworker that your 17 year old daughter likes guys who are old enough to be their father is..... weird. Sure, he's attractive, but I just feel like there could have been a better person to use as an example.
(Here I was going to put in a picture of Chris Evans, but all the really good pictures I could find he was blonde, which is also awkward).

I got my teeth whitened today and I think I might die. My teeth hurt SO bad. It feels like I am biting into a freezing cold ice cream cone continuously.  AHHHHH it hurts so badddddd :(
This is totally a first world problem and entirely my own doing, but the people at the dentist's office did not say it was going to hurt this bad. kill me.

Cheers(?),
Cayla

It's December

Hey blog. It's been a while. Everyone has probably stopped checking this because we have never gotten around to writing it. Well, I guess I'll update you on my life.
I have finished my second to last semester of high school and I'm super excited. Today I looked up study abroad programs at ASU and they have a lot for my major in England. I can't do any of them until my sophomore year, but I should probably start saving like right now. I got 2 B's this semester. I feel like a failure. But it's totally my fault because I give absolutely zero effort in my math class, mostly because I spend the entire period reading for my Lit class and drawing cartoons of my math teacher.




 We had an appraiser come to our house today, so my mom forced me to clean up the office and my room. They were both disasters which, if left for a little longer, would probably have turned into hazardous waste dumps. It took me like 2 hours to move around all the crap in my room, but that was because I spent a good deal of time looking through all the boxes I have in my room and rearranging stuff. I finally got pictures in the frames I bought like 5 years ago, so I'm going to hang them up on a blank spot. This is truly riveting. I know you are so interested in the status of my room.

On a slightly more exciting note (at least for me), on Saturday I managed to drag Madelyn and my cousin to go see the second Sherlock Holmes movie with me. It was amazing, I am so in love with those movies. It was just perfect. Go see it. I recommend movies all the time on this blog. But, all the ones I have told you about are seriously amazing and you should see all of them.

As you can see I am really into franchise action movies, so I am obviously thrilled for The Dark Knight Rises and The Avengers. 2012 is going to be an incredibly epic year. Especially because I graduate and the world ends. But we also plan on having an End of the World party too, you guys are all invited.

I'm pretty sure that is all the notable things I have done recently. Honestly, I have mostly watched Criminal Minds and Food Network and wasted my life on Tumblr. I have found some really awesome decorating ideas though.

Anyways, I let you know if I get anything awesome for Christmas! Happy Holidays!

Cheers,

Cayla

Yet he hath ever but slenderly known himself

Lauren always gets on me for not updating the blog blog, but I checked and there are 4 posts from me on the front page and only 2 from Lauren. Lies Lies Lies.
Today this kid in my math class asked my teacher what the difference between AM and PM was. Like he literally had no clue. He had spent his entire life wondering if something was in the morning or the afternoon. And then, when my teacher tried to explain it to him, he could not comprehend,. Which I'm not surprised, because my teacher could not explain something if his life depended on it. But, seriously? This kid is a senior in high school. Ah, humanity!
On the note of "I'd prefer not to" I have so much math homework tonight, plus a paper. In the words of Keanu Reeves. I know, I probably shouldn't be wasting time on the internet, but honestly, I really don't want to do this. Especially because the paper is on King Lear. This makes me so sad. I might take a nap.
Or I might just waste more time on the internet.

Cheers,
Cayla


P.S. I just found a bookmark in my King Lear book explaining Tufted Puffins (Lunda cirrhata)....