But a lot has happened. Do you remember my last post about how I wanted to go on tumblr and watch Criminal Minds for the rest of my life? Do you remember my other post about how I don't like change? And it was all about college too! I'm reminding you of these because right now I actually in college and nothing has ever changed so quickly in my life as everything is right now and I am certainly not sitting on tumblr and watching Criminal Minds all day. I am doing homework and signing up for different classes and trying to find time to eat and trying not to die on my bicycle and trying to make friends and trying to relax all at the same time.
I said that humans don't handle change well, but the truth is that I was mostly just talking about myself. Because change is the very last thing I can "handle." Truth is, I hate it here. I have never been so homesick in my life, even when I called home while I was in Europe and bawled my eyes out in a tiny phone booth in an internet cafe in Munich. Because I walked out, sat down with my friend, knowing that I was going to have an amazing time regardless of how homesick I was and would be home soon. But then now, that's my problem.
I don't know if I'm going to have an amazing time, I don't know if everything is going to be okay and I'm not going to be home in 10 days, technically speaking, I have moved out. I mean, I probably could move home but for God's sake I don't even have a driver's license, how am I supposed to commute? So, I cried and cried and cried, but I wouldn't give up because I knew I could somehow make friends and I would like my classes.
But I didn't. I hated my classes and if it wasn't for all 3 seasons of Arrested Development being free on my Kindle, I would probably be hanging from the rafters right now.
So, I pulled myself up by my boot straps (okay, that is a total lie, Lauren pulled me up by my bootstraps) and I changed my major and my classes. I went from Biochemistry to Biological Sciences with an emphasis in Genetics, Cell, and Developmental Biology. Which is actually very different. And I signed up for sorority rush.
I always thought I would be the very last person to rush a sorority, but I saw how much it helped Lauren, so I decided to just go for it. And I thought I was good. My classes seemed to be going well, they were a lot of work, but I loved biology! Right? And I was so excited for rush.
Rush eventually came up over the 3 day weekend, I went home and got all my clothes together and went the first day with an open mind and a smile. I even skipped my Chem lecture to have time.
And every single sorority I liked dropped me.
On the 3rd day when I was supposed to have 6 sororities to go to, I had 3. My bottom 3. The sororities that don't drop anyone. I don't think I have ever felt so devastated in my life. Social devastation is very different from love or family devastation. Because there was something you could do about it. All those people rejected you for a reason, you weren't right for them, you didn't fit in.
I have always been a little odd in my life and I have always been okay with it. I didn't have a lot of friends in elementary school, and the closest thing I have ever been to popular was 8th grade and I didn't even have that many friends. I have never really been socially rejected because I have never felt the need to put myself out there like that. But, I thought, this is college and I need to make new friends and do exciting things and make life long bonds. I need to join a sorority so I can meet boys and finally have a boyfriend.
So I walked out. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was so humiliated and sad and hurt and I just wanted to go home and see my dog. I thought a lot about what happened since, and trying to think of a reason why I walked out and I've come to a few conclusions. The main one is that maybe I was willing to change who I was and pretend to like parties and chick flicks instead of reading and The Avengers, pretending I liked high heels and dresses instead of t-shirts with funny sayings and shamu slippers. But then, when I didn't see the sororities that I so aspired to be a part of, the smart, pretty, popular girls, I lost all desire to pretend to be something I'm not. Because, I'm not going to wake up at 5 to get ready, and I'm horrible at making friends and maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.
I was feeling pretty good about my decision, I went shopping with Lauren instead of going to bid day and I thought everything I was going to be fine. But today, I realized I was wrong. I saw girls left and right wearing shirts of the sororities that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. And I kept sitting there thinking, why them and not me?
I hate comparing myself to other people, but I do it all the time. And I do this thing where I look for all the flaws in people first in order to feel better about myself. But, I couldn't do it today. Because I just kept thinking, they got in and not me. Not me. There was no flaw to look for because the flaw was me. I always think that I have pretty good self esteem but I did not like myself today and I really don't like that. It freaks me out. Sure, I was always introverted, but I liked to think that I was the confident, smart girl who can do whatever she sets her mind to. Wrong. The more I moped about being left out the more I was faced with my classes. They were so much work, so much homework and paying attention and dealing with people who are smarter, more dedicated, and more motivated than I was. And I just am not feeling it anymore. Lauren is moving to LA to be a model and find a job doing what she loves. And my future is sitting in a lab moving samples, if I can manage to pay attention long enough in my Bio lecture.
I don't want to do that. I want to work on movies and travel the world and meet famous people and go to exciting parties. But no one seems to think this is a good idea. I have spent my whole life trying to be smart and get good grades, because I have never been any good at anything else. The very first job I can remember wanting to be is a mom. Then, I wanted to be a geologist. Then I wanted to be an actress. But, the more that I think about it, the more I think, I wasn't wrong in 5th grade. Maybe not an actress, but working on a movie set/ I think movie sets are the most fascinating place in the entire world. I went to Universal Studios and liked the idea, then I went on a behind the scenes tour of Sony Studios and I fell in love with it. It was what I wanted to do. But I was a science and study person, not an arts and ideas person. No one seems to think that I am quite creative enough to do this. Lauren and Madelyn really got all the creative genes, I can't draw, or write. But I've got idea. I have a journal filled with ideas for movies and a dream log filled with wacky story lines that could be movies.
I want to do this so bad, but I am too nervous. Too nervous to fail again and have to limp back with my tail between my legs to a degree in science and a life time of lab work. I have never felt so conflicted in my life. I have never been so unsure. There is a film production degree here and it is so tempting. I don't know what to do with my life. My mom wants me to go into business and work on movies from that end. But I think I just really need to go to sleep.
Sorry this was so depressing
Cheers,
Cayla
No comments:
Post a Comment
awesome replies