It's been a while since I last wrote

 But a lot has happened. Do you remember my last post about how I wanted to go on tumblr and watch Criminal Minds for the rest of my life? Do you remember my other post about how I don't like change? And it was all about college too! I'm reminding you of these because right now I actually in college and nothing has ever changed so quickly in my life as everything is right now and I am certainly not sitting on tumblr and watching Criminal Minds all day. I am doing homework and signing up for different classes and trying to find time to eat and trying not to die on my bicycle and trying to make friends and trying to relax all at the same time.

I said that humans don't handle change well, but the truth is that I was mostly just talking about myself. Because change is the very last thing I can "handle." Truth is, I hate it here. I have never been so homesick in my life, even when I called home while I was in Europe and bawled my eyes out in a tiny phone booth in an internet cafe in Munich. Because I walked out, sat down with my friend, knowing that I was going to have an amazing time regardless of how homesick I was and would be home soon. But then now, that's my problem.

I don't know if I'm going to have an amazing time, I don't know if everything is going to be okay and I'm not going to be home in 10 days, technically speaking, I have moved out. I mean, I probably could move home but for God's sake I don't even have a driver's license, how am I supposed to commute? So, I cried and cried and cried, but I wouldn't give up because I knew I could somehow make friends and I would like my classes.

But I didn't. I hated my classes and if it wasn't for all 3 seasons of Arrested Development being free on my Kindle, I would probably be hanging from the rafters right now.

So, I pulled myself up by my boot straps (okay, that is a total lie, Lauren pulled me up by my bootstraps) and I changed my major and my classes. I went from Biochemistry to Biological Sciences with an emphasis in Genetics, Cell, and Developmental Biology. Which is actually very different. And I signed up for sorority rush.

I always thought I would be the very last person to rush a sorority, but I saw how much it helped Lauren, so I decided to just go for it. And I thought I was good. My classes seemed to be going well, they were a lot of work, but I loved biology! Right? And I was so excited for rush.

Rush eventually came up over the 3 day weekend, I went home and got all my clothes together and went the first day with an open mind and a smile. I even skipped my Chem lecture to have time.

And every single sorority I liked dropped me.

On the 3rd day when I was supposed to have 6 sororities to go to, I had 3. My bottom 3. The sororities that don't drop anyone. I don't think I have ever felt so devastated in my life. Social devastation is very different from love or family devastation. Because there was something you could do about it. All those people rejected you for a reason, you weren't right for them, you didn't fit in.

I have always been a little odd in my life and I have always been okay with it. I didn't have a lot of friends in elementary school, and the closest thing I have ever been to popular was 8th grade and I didn't even have that many friends. I have never really been socially rejected because I have never felt the need to put myself out there like that. But, I thought, this is college and I need to make new friends and do exciting things and make life long bonds. I need to join a sorority so I can meet boys and finally have a boyfriend.

So I walked out. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I was so humiliated and sad and hurt and I just wanted to go home and see my dog. I thought a lot about what happened since, and trying to think of a reason why I walked out and I've come to a few conclusions. The main one is that maybe I was willing to change who I was and pretend to like parties and chick flicks instead of reading and The Avengers, pretending I liked high heels and dresses instead of t-shirts with funny sayings and shamu slippers. But then, when I didn't see the sororities that I so aspired to be a part of, the smart, pretty, popular girls, I lost all desire to pretend to be something I'm not. Because, I'm not going to wake up at 5 to get ready, and I'm horrible at making friends and maybe I'm not as smart as I think I am.

I was feeling pretty good about my decision, I went shopping with Lauren instead of going to bid day and I thought everything I was going to be fine. But today, I realized I was wrong. I saw girls left and right wearing shirts of the sororities that I so desperately wanted to be a part of. And I kept sitting there thinking, why them and not me?

I hate comparing myself to other people, but I do it all the time. And I do this thing where I look for all the flaws in people first in order to feel better about myself. But, I couldn't do it today. Because I just kept thinking, they got in and not me. Not me. There was no flaw to look for because the flaw was me. I always think that I have pretty good self esteem but I did not like myself today and I really don't like that. It freaks me out. Sure, I was always introverted, but I liked to think that I was the confident, smart girl who can do whatever she sets her mind to. Wrong. The more I moped about being left out the more I was faced with my classes. They were so much work, so much homework and paying attention and dealing with people who are smarter, more dedicated, and more motivated than I was. And I just am not feeling it anymore. Lauren is moving to LA to be a model and find a job doing what she loves. And my future is sitting in a lab moving samples, if I can manage to pay attention long enough in my Bio lecture.

I don't want to do that. I want to work on movies and travel the world and meet famous people and go to exciting parties. But no one seems to think this is a good idea. I have spent my whole life trying to be smart and get good grades, because I have never been any good at anything else. The very first job I can remember wanting to be is a mom. Then, I wanted to be a geologist. Then I wanted to be an actress. But, the more that I think about it, the more I think, I wasn't wrong in 5th grade. Maybe not an actress, but working on a movie set/ I think movie sets are the most fascinating place in the entire world. I went to Universal Studios and liked the idea, then I went on a behind the scenes tour of Sony Studios and I fell in love with it. It was what I wanted to do. But I was a science and study person, not an arts and ideas person. No one seems to think that I am quite creative enough to do this. Lauren and Madelyn really got all the creative genes, I can't draw, or write. But I've got idea. I have a journal filled with ideas for movies and a dream log filled with wacky story lines that could be movies.

I want to do this so bad, but I am too nervous. Too nervous to fail again and have to limp back with my tail between my legs to a degree in science and a life time of lab work. I have never felt so conflicted in my life. I have never been so unsure. There is a film production degree here and it is so tempting. I don't know what to do with my life. My mom wants me to go into business and work on movies from that end. But I think I just really need to go to sleep.

Sorry this was so depressing

Cheers,
Cayla

if it were up to me

I would spend the rest of my life watching criminal minds and looking at tumblr endlessly. Unfortunately, I'm not currently aware of a job that pertains to those interests that will pay me enough money to support HBO and Cinemax on my monthly cable bill. Which I will most certainly need. So now I have to go to "college" because people only believe that you learned something if you paid for it.
In order to go to college though, I have to finish high school, which I did, about 9ish hours ago.

I'm done. That has not quite set in yet. The fact that it is summer has not even hit me, but maybe that's because I have a graduation meeting at 8:30 in the morning on Monday. Those evil administrators will not just let me sleep. But, I am not particularly one for change. I would be content with a normal, considerably average every day life if it meant I could take awesome vacations whenever I wanted. College is, unfortunately, not going to be one big awesome vacation, because I still have to do all that learning stuff. And my major is currently biochemistry. I want to die. I just want to hang out with movie stars and eventually marry one and then go live in like Switzerland. But my mom won't let me major in film so I can't do that.

I think my problem is that I'm just really lazy. It's going to take a lot to recharge my ambition that high school slowly, but surely, burned completely out. The only thing I can think of now is maybe becoming a super smart scientist so I can meet Bruce Banner or something. Maybe he'll even invite me to be in The Avengers. Although I will not be She-Hulk. Maybe Ms. Marvel. Maybe.

But, I keep thinking of things I need to do for school, or things that I will tell my friends at school. But, I can't, because I'm not going back to high school. And it's weirding me out. I DO NOT WANT TO BE AN ADULT. I am denying this birthday. Who decided that 18 year olds could all of a sudden be able to go out into the world? I feel like 12+ years of school should have prepared me for this. Yet, I don't feel prepared at all!

I'm just grateful that I have this one last summer to get my crap together and ignore the intense pressure that I feel like I should be feeling. If you need me anytime this summer I will be doing absolutely nothing. So, obviously busy.

my summer plans

I think the worst part about growing up is that you don't get summer anymore. I literally cannot think of anything worse. Summer is maybe my favorite thing ever. I just cannot bring myself to become a teacher though. I hate children more than I love summer. Plus there is mad drama up in school faculties, it's like high school except you can't graduate and go to out of state college to get away from the people that work there, it's the same people every year. I will just have to be in school indefinitely, so I always have summer, or find a job that starts after 11 am.
I let you know if they ever invent a job where you can just browse tumblr from 9-5 and then sleep for the rest of it. I will be all over that

Cheers,
Cayla

remember that one time

oh hey blog,

it's been a while. Cayla & I (Lauren) have been a little busy with a few things, like graduating high school & college, respectively. Considering our blog stats says this little guy is still getting some page views, I figured it was time to update it for whatever reason.

So, I graduated college a few weeks ago (a year early, thank you very much) with the ever-so-helpful degree of English Literature. And so began the age-old question: "What do you want to do after you graduate?". My usual response was something along the lines of "I'd love to write, probably for a magazine or newspaper. Something about food or travel." But really, the honest truth that I scream in my head every time someone asks me this question is

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.


Obviously I have to do something, because I need funds and I don't want my brain to turn to dust, but to be completely honest, I'm tired. I've been taking honors classes since I was in third grade, and I just did college in three years, switching from biology to English. Keep in mind, that isn't a complaint, and I realize that just as many people do the exact same thing, if not more. But, unlike most of these super-motivated people, I've lost all my energy and will to do anything productive. I'd really like to just take a week and sleep. I'm not lazy, I just need a second to breathe. Or maybe two seconds, or five.

Unfortunately, I don't have five seconds, or even two. The main reason behind this is that it's now May, which means Arizona has turned into a fiery death pit of inexhaustible heat.

May in Arizona:

May Everywhere Else:

Last summer, I was blessed with the opportunity to escape the 7th Ring of Hell that is Phoenix in the summer and live in Boston. However, this was also a curse because I seemed to have forgotten how incredibly warm this little oven can get. It was 120 degrees when I picked Cayla & Madelyn up from school today. That is 100% too hot to sustain any form of life.

So, as I've been planning since I was 16, I have graduated college and am moving to Los Angeles. How am I doing this? I won the lottery!

 

If you don't get the reference, watch here. If you don't like The Avengers, go away.

Anyways, I obviously didn't win the lottery, so now I spend all my time applying for jobs in LA that I probably won't get because my degree prepared me for nothing! Hooray! Thanks ASU for being the longest, most expensive party I've ever been to. I loved you then, but the real world hates me now.

As for Cayla graduating, she can update everyone on all that fun stuff. She's off to the college Candyland fondly known as Arizona State University in the fall to hopefully (not) follow in my footsteps.

cheers,

lauren